This post is long and I don't blame you if you don't make it all the way through. Sorry if there are grammatical errors.
I've been having a hard time decided if I wanted to make this post yet, its something I'v
e wanted to post but I've been putting it off, which is why I haven't posted in quite a while. For some reason I have a hard time finding the words I want to say to explain it and for some reason it makes me nervous. I have no idea why it does.
Being Me, Loving Me....Well Kinda was the name I thought of for my blog because I thought it fit perfectly for how I feel. As many females do I have very low self esteem and a very poor body image. Meaning I do not in fact love myself, nor do I feel being me is good enough. These words are things I strive for, I want to be me and I want to love myself but until I can feel good enough that is not going to happen. Many woman
feel the exact same way, and some are lucky enough to never have encountered this.
Some do extreme things to themselves, some can handle it pretty easy and some of us, we hide it until it all comes out. Some of the most confidential people you meet can actually people who hurt the most, they are just good at hiding. Personally I try to compress my feelings until I am alone, I don't let people know, and that is hard to do. I have never starved myself or done any kind of self harm, not that it didn't ever cross my mind. But every time it did cross my mind I shot it down, mostly out of fear but also I remembered that I wouldn't only be hurting myself but the people are me, especially my little brother who would not have understood. If you are a person that does these kind of things I pass no judgement upon you, you deal with things differently and I completely understand your logic, but please don't. Many people are willing to help you, they are all around, if someone doesn't make you feel better or listen, someone else will, even I will. I have no problem listening to people and helping people with their problems. My friends always come to me when they need someone to talk to, please done hesitate to contact me, male or female.
I guess I've always felt this way, as a younger child I was chunky, I'd even go as far to say I was fat. When I was younger it didn't bother me, I was the way I was and back then it didn't matter. It started in middle school, that's the time when things start to change but it still wasn't bad, right around that time was when I hit my major times growth, and I began to thin out, now at 5' 11" I am tall and everyone tells me I'm skinny but I don't really believe them because of the low body image. I think I am quite big to tell you the truth but. It all really hit me once I got to my freshman year, I knew it was going to be a big change going into high school and it certainly was. My freshman year was a hard one, once or twice a month I would have what I called 'melt downs' these were the times when I would just cry because I would hate the way I looked and hate that I didn't feel good enough and all my emotions just came to surface, like I said I compress my emotions. I would always compare myself to everyone else and I didn't think I stood a chance against them. I also didn't feel I could go to my friends, at all, it just wasn't the way I was, I try to deal with everything myself so I can help myself.
One day in English class we had to write a persuasive paper and our teacher showed us her paper she wrote in college and it was on the topic of women and body image, and how the media played a part in women having a low body image. Already talking about it made me kind of upset, but I was fine because it showed me that I wasn't alone. I was fine all up until my teacher was talking about how Marilyn Monroe would have been around a size 12. I personally wear anywhere between 13 and 15. A girl in my class, whom I've known for quite a while goes "12! That's HUGE! I wear a size 1!" and that's when I lost it. I turned to my friend and started crying. She hugged me and slowly people began to see that I was crying, luckily the people sitting around my were all my friends and I soon had a group of people huddled around me and they were trying to comfort me. My teacher came over and talked to me as well then this one girl that I had not said two words to the whole year came over to me and asked me what was wrong. She was a 'popular' girl and she is absolutely beautiful, inside and out. She had already kind of knew what was wrong and she says to me 'not to be weird but can I hug you' she gave me a hug and was there to listen to me. She was there for me more then some of my friends and she was going through a very tough time, even now she is. She later messaged me on Facebook seeing how I was doing and gave me her number and we talked. I wish I was closer to her now but we haven't talked in a while.
This past year has been much better for me but it is still hard. I go through these times that I call my 'dark times' I have never been diagnosed with depression, but that is basically what these times are. Times where I hate myself and where I can't shake this feeling of being deeply upset, these often happen when bad things in life happen and all my feelings come to surface or when I begin thinking a lot, and a lot of other times. I'm not really sure when it happens but it happens about once a month or every couple months. Its all getting better, but it still happens.
Sometimes I hate looking at the mirror, I hate what I see half the time, I hate feeling the fat on my legs I have over my muscle, I hate seeing the fat on my stomach. But slowly I am beginning to like myself, and soon I hope to be able to love myself, and feel okay being myself. There is more I want to write but this post is long and I don't have the words anymore. I don't know how to describe it anymore. Basically now I just fall into a depression and luckily after a couple of days I can pull myself out of it. Sometimes it takes a lot but its getting better. I compare myself to other still a lot and that doesn't help at all. I still don't feel good about myself, but its a work in progress and I think and hope one day I can be at peace with myself.
The words have run out, I don't know what else to say. But I feel like I am getting my self esteem up and my body image up and that slowly I am gaining confidence in myself. And that's what counts. So for now I'm Being me and loving me....well kinda:)
If you stuck with my this far in this post thank you. I know its long but I wanted to get it out. Thank you for listening and if you feel this way and want help feel free to reach out to me. Thank you again. Have a great day.
-Aubrey
